I wish I could show you firsthand the glory that is Big Wheel Bingo. I wish I could sit you down with Bing Wheeler and his lovely wife, Penelope Wheeler, so that you may know game-show hosts of quality. I wish I could play for you audio of past bingo nights at the Sunset, so that you can hear Bing's clever calling of the numbers ("N-41, that's Lizzie Borden." "B-8 — and that's bait") and the irreverent music and vocal samples that accompany every spin of the wheel.

Furthermore, I wish I could impart to you the thrill of winning such excellent prizes as giant unicorn banners, or Bo Derek's autobiography. I wish I could demonstrate to you the electricity you'll feel upon seeing "Big Wheel Bingo's" celebrity guests — personages of local and intergalactic import, ranging from El Vez to Miss Indigo Blue to Darth Vader. And I really wish I could share the feeling of camaraderie that comes from joining a roomful of mildly inebriated Seattleites, all striving for a common goal. There can be only one winner of the Bo Derek book, damn it.

Fortunately, I don't have to try to express those inexpressible sensations, because "Big Wheel Bingo" is returning for two big nights this week. Thursday's show at the Sunset will benefit Ballard Food Bank, and the Friday show at the Rendezvous will give a winning chance to everyone who leaves the Thursday event empty-handed. If you don't come down to one of these events, you may never really understand the central tenet of "Big Wheel Bingo," which in actuality isn't a half-bad axiom by which to live your life: "You don't have to be smart to play. Just lucky."

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