Oi, Madonna. Friggin' oi. I know that this part of the country isn't terribly sexy (and that LiveNation probably sets your touring agenda and owns your mortal soul), but c'mon, sweetcheeks, Vancouver? That's as close as your "Sweet and Sticky" tour is going to come to Seattle and Portland? I assure you, madam, that underneath this earthy, REI-clad facade we are as sweet and sticky as the day as long. Much sweeter and stickier than Vancouver. You're breaking our hearts.

Thankfully, we have Neil Diamond to turn to in this hour of need. The solitary man comes to KeyArena Sept. 24 with the intent of promoting his latest Rick Rubin-produced album, "Home Before Dark" -- and the ancillary benefit of giving his newbie fans, weaned on SuperDiamond and drunken karaoke readings of "Sweet Caroline," a genuine taste of Brother Love's Travelin' Salvation Show. Pack up the babies! Grab the old ladies! The good seats are $119, but you can get seats in the upper arenasphere for $54.

Bargain hunters looking for manly gravitas at recession prices would be well advised to get tickets to Moby's June 18 show at Neumos. While it's strictly a DJ gig, pre-sale tickets are only $15 -- an absolute steal for an evening with America's most disco-licious militant vegan. It's a 21-and-over show.

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