Kiss My Face Moisture Shave

I am a dirty, dirty man. I had no idea how dirty I was until I hit the tender age of somewhere-past-30 and my skin said, "Hey, man. Up yours. I'm not working under these conditions," and my hands promptly dried up, and my face turned into a road map.

Mortified, I did what scores of over-30 men have done since time immemorial: I surrounded myself with attractive young women, using them as human shields for photographs. I scrubbed my face with brushes until my skin felt transparent. I even considered Botox, until I saw its horrific effects on the 1999 Academy Awards telecast. Plus, a friend told me that it's made from cow urine. And whether that's true or not, it's so damned absurd that I choose to believe it.

Finally, I figured out what many of my girlfriends have been trying to tell me for years: It's all about the soap. For years I'd viewed soap as little more than a de-stinking agent, giving little thought to its moisturizing and detoxifying effects. Where I used to skate by with one bar of soap, I now use three: one for body work and two for my face. (I keep one in the shower and one near the sink.) I'm cursed with oily skin, and while it ages slower than other skin types, it requires a level of maintenance that requires every one of those three bars.

Now, fellow dudes, I can feel you rejecting this. You're saying, "Dude, you're a femme," or "You totally deserve that reactive seborrhea," or most likely, "That's not going to happen to me when I get to be your age." Yeah, dude, it will — unless you start acquiring an arsenal of defensive measures from places like Lush.

Coalface soap from Lush

Lush is an online retailer of organic bath and skin care products. It's precisely the kind of place I would have scoffed at in my mid-20s ("Who the hell needs a seven-dollar bar of soap?"). But today, whenever my girlfriend orders a few items from Lush, I invariably sneak in a request for a bar of Coalface and try not to think of how far I've slid.

True to its name, Coalface is one gothic bar of soap (two of its primary ingredients are licorice root and charcoal), but I don't use it for its looks. I use it because I can literally feel it drawing the toxins from my pores and tightening the skin. It feels strange at first, especially if you don't believe soap actually does anything beyond provide a smooth surface for shaving when you run out of shaving cream, but you'll get used to it. Your complexion will improve, and damn if that little black slab doesn't look really badass sitting by the sink.

Tom's of Main honeysuckle shave cream

Speaking of shaving, if you're using anything that dispenses from a can or boasts of its "foamy" qualities, I ask you to consider another path. While Tom's of Maine is best known for its natural toothpaste, the company makes some damn fine shave creams in honeysuckle and mint. Unlike the foaming crap you've used since you were 14, Tom's shave cream actually provides some lubrication; it gets right under your beard and doesn't come off until you shave it off. In the year I've been using this stuff, I haven't once suffered razor burn or carved myself up like pulled pork.

The only disadvantage to Tom's shave creams is that it comes in tubes that can easily be confused with your toothpaste. (Yes, I've accidentally put shaving cream on my toothbrush in the past, and I'll do it again, by God.) However, it's a minor caveat in the face of the best freaking shave you've ever had.

If you can't find Tom's where you buy your toiletries, Moisture Shave by the unfortunately named Kiss My Face works almost as well — and it's fragrance-free and loaded with vitamins A, D and E. (Your skin actually needs those vitamins, I am told.) KMF makes some great moisturizers and sun care products as well. On a related note, I'm now comfortable enough with myself to buy Kiss My Face products on my own; I no longer make my girlfriend buy it while I hide my face in a girlie magazine.

Burt's Bees Peppermint Shower Soap

Last but certainly not least is Burt's Bees, a company I discovered through its best-on-the-market lip balm. Burt's produces a great range of organic skin care products, chief among them the amazing Parsley Blemish Stick. The Blemish Stick is as good as its name. It provides a focused, effective fight against unwelcome facial blemishes, using calendula, parsley and willowbark extracts, mixed with fennel and tea tree oils and other substances that have sworn their existences to combating acne. (I don't get pimples myself, of course. I, uh, know this guy.)

Burt's soaps are no slouches, either. I'm a big fan of their Garden Tomato Complexion Soap and their Peppermint Shower Soap. Showering with the latter is like showering with a box of breath mints — you know, in a good way.

Which reminds me: Even though I've heard good things about it from (mostly lady) friends, I've yet to try Burt's Citrus Spice Exfoliating Shower Soap, because I fear it. Exfoliating. Yes, that's skin coming off, isn't it? And if memory serves, putting citrus on cuts and scrapes is a bad idea.

Aw, never mind me. I'm just being a wuss. Besides, if I can wear Burt's Pore-Refining Mask once a week and not worry about my drinking buddies stopping by for an impromptu visit, I can face down the sting of citrus. It's a constant and never-ending battle we have to fight, with prolonged youth going to the winner, and a syringe of cow urine awaiting the loser. Guess which way I'm leaning?